You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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