I think im going to throw up on grandma
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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