Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
