We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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