my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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