My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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