He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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