OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
