it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
