gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
