I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
