guys are only as good as the porn they watch
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize