dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Randomize
