My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
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