when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
