im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
