I got chris browned last night
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
