he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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