I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
