Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
