Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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