They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
