I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize