so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
