i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
