I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I'm really busy with my period
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