sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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