i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
