mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
