You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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