margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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