The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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