took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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