11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
