She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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