Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize