I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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