good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
