i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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