This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
