I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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