i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
