Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
