So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
