i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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