seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
