It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
