I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
