We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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