Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
