Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize