sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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