You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
