i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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