I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
