did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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