You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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