I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
