someone threw a dead crab at me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
