life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
