I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
