He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize