I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
