Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize